I have received such praise from many on the internet in regard to my stories, I am an egotistical old bastard, so seeking more praise, I have decided to enlighten you all and post the stories that will eventually end up as my biography, they will be random though and not in sequence as I am getting brain fade from too much partying over the years I think.
Now Jack Kelly was the quintessential Aussie bloke, or so I thought, he was also a copper in Bacchus Marsh. He loved a beer and looked a bit like Errol Flynn, tall, dark, good looking, now don’t get me wrong, I am not gay or bi for that matter but we must set the scene. Unlike the Tasmanian swashbuckler, Jack was happily married to a lovely attractive Brunette, Helen who always said gidday and was polite to me when I saw her in the street.
I didn’t have much to do with Jack socially. I used to see him on the weekend on the hard streets of Bacchus Marsh late at night after I had drunk about 75 beers at the Royal, Stoney’s , The Border Inn and the Railway and not necessarily in that order. He was always respectful and polite, he should really have been a social worker he cared that much, rare in the force these days. Jack was honest as the day is long, certainly not crooked in any way.
Back in the late seventies early eighties you had coppers like Colin O’Hare, a top, honest cop who might let you off some minor indiscretion if he was in a good mood. Peter Ratcliffe who had no sense of humour and a bad temper was straight down the line. He once chased Barney Reel and my brother Ashley all the way out past the CSR Timbrock factory on the dirt tracks. Barney was a master driver in his Holden Ute and during the chase Ratcliffe rolled the police car, he received minor injuries but he was not very happy about it. Barney was later caught and jailed for several years. Ratcliffe who died a few years ago from prostate cancer never knew my brother was in the car.
Then there was Rex Thorburn. Rex as we all know, was a rat, he was also, strangely enough, elected Mayor Rat of Bacchus marsh. The people he bashed obviously didn’t vote. They were once all commanded by Sergeant Winston Perry who just sat on his arse all day long and made phone calls to the press. He used to ring Ted Price, editor and proprietor of The Express regularly. Ted, a journo and part time con-man/heroin dealer from New Zealand would drink piss with him down the Courthouse Hotel and Winston would feed him bullshit stories. Ted would suck up to him for information. Winston too died of cancer. Ted, drove around in a Powder Blue vintage Daimler big noting himself about his wealth and his car, anyway when he disappeared, large bills for the lease of the vehicle started arriving at The Express and the police from Melbourne turned up looking for him, something about importing hard drugs from NZ!
So anyway back to Jack. I am telling this story not to denigrate the man. I think he is a great bloke, but I just want to set the record straight and of course to spin a good yarn, although this is all true. One night Ian Reddrop who owned the health food shop in the Marsh invited me to a party at his place on a Friday night. I turned up at his place well dressed and spruiked up for the ladies. There was a large gathering of punters in the back yard as well as plenty of girls. The party was in full swing with a barbie on the go as well as other finger food and plenty of beer and loud music. Not wishing to be too eager with the lady hunting and give the game away I decided to go and have a chat to Jack Kelly who was talking to this muscular, thick set bloke covered in tattoos with dark hair and a crew cut, he looked like a bouncer and he was.
Jack and his newfound mate were chatting away happily about the footy and other vitally important matters, like solving world hunger and paedophiles in the Catholic Church etc. I walked up and introduced myself to Jack’s companion, said gidday to Jack and joined in the conversation with a beer in my hand. It soon became apparent that Jack was blind, he was slurring his speech and had glassy eyes, was unsteady on his feet and smelt of liquor (heard that before, that’s what the coppers say). It also became apparent that this other bloke was a night club owner and bouncer, as that is what he told me.
While we are chatting away Jack chimes in with a one liner that had killer class and tact. He taps the bouncer on the shoulder and points to this slutty looking little blonde, barely dressed in a mini skirt and tank top with huge tits and made-up to the hilt. Jack slurs out, “Hey see that chick over there, I wouldn’t mind fucking her”. Classic line Jack, especially as the bouncer he is talking to comes back with a shout, “Hey you cunt, that’s my wife”! All this as the bouncer takes a punch at Jack.
Now Jack is a copper, and the law says you must act to protect them, after all they do it for us. So seeing it coming, and being close enough, I cut the big bouncer off and grabbed him around the head front on and dragged him towards me to the ground while he was screaming at me that he was going to kill me. I had him nicely tied up though and as they pulled him off me, kicking and punching at me I was not harmed, I looked to the side and Jack Kelly was staggering away through the side gate and off he goes up the street, never to be seen again. Well Fuck me I’m thinking, thanks Jack, I save your hide, I mean you being a black belt in karate, you would think you would have stayed and chopped the bloke around a bit, at least back me up?
Yep, Jack was a cop on the scene of the crime but his verbal blunder and good sense gave him the old fight or flight response and he chose flight. Good move Jack, and you never ever said thanks, that’s because I think you were too pissed to remember. The bouncer and I shook hands and both mumbled a humble apology to each other and got on with partying. Still the night was but young, and as I said before, I have a big ego, and as well as that I am a narcissist, so once all the fuss had died down an attractive older lady approached me with a bit of a story to tell and a proposition.
This lady was a friend of my mother and father, she was also married and her husband was a friend of my old mans when he was alive. Don’t try and figure it out because you never will, I never kiss and tell. She tells me that she always had the hots for my old man but she never acted on it, then she strokes my ego and tells me she wants to take me home for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. I saw her several times after that although have not heard from her in years. So all is well that ends well, I am not angry or trying to get revenge on Jack Kelly, he is a good bloke, it is just that it is a good story. Jack eventually received an award for 35 years service as a cop in Bacchus Marsh. See the story here- http://melton-leader.whereilive.com.au/news/story/service-suits-bacchus-marsh-cop-just-fine/
